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spilledbloodlinesSo this has been kind of a long time in coming, I feel! Here is a brief recap of the relevant events
Day 204:
- Mirror vaguely mentions Sasuke was in Sabra. Maybe.
Day 206:
- Querying Jace about Sasuke possibly being/having been in Sabra, and being told to ask Red.
- 9th memory: Hearing that Sasuke is dead after fighting Deidara.
Day 208:
- Red confirms that Sasuke was in Sabra (Princess of Monoceros) and has been nommed by the Pillar.
- Slick delivers Bond's corpse.
Day 210:
- 10th memory: Telling Kisame that Sasuke isn't dead after all.
- Game 128 [Mirror & Horn]: more Mirror(+Horn) trolling about Sasuke.
Day 211:
- Selendis' official intro
Day 214:
Game 132 [Shadow]: Among other things, Brass finds out about Sasuke being in the Pillar.
Day 215:
- ~*magical*~ 11th memory: Uchiha clan massacre.
So over the course of maybe ten days, Spear went from "lalala my brother isn't here hooray" to "he's here and it's my fault orz orz", which is a pretty big shift! LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED!
As I have mentioned before, before Day 204 Spear knew that he loved Sasuke (for whatever reason), that it was on a difference scale from the affection and friendship he had with Lyvus, and that Sasuke was not relevant to Sabra. So he was kind of like a secret that nobody needed to know about because Spear having a brother didn't really matter to anything. And his memories of Sasuke also included being a terrible person so he wanted to talk about Sasuke even less.
And then, Day 204, the East Block is flooded and Mirror is out and about. Reading the thread again, Mirror didn't actually say all that much, but it was enough to get Spear's guard up because he does not trust Mirror or her intentions, and didn't think she'd have brought Sasuke up without having some kind of ulterior motive. So he set out to confirm once and for all whether or not Sasuke had ever been in Sabra, because if it were true that would have been extremely bad. So he made some sketches and went to talk to Jace, who told him to talk to Red, who confirmed that Sasuke was Princess of Monoceros and in the Pillar.
SO THAT WAS PRETTY TERRIBLE RIGHT THERE, because now Spear can't be "Well at least my brother isn't in this hellhole and I can make things better for him with my wish" about Sabra, Sasuke is here and that makes the Pillar 99x more horrible. I'm not sure whether or not he knows that you can't wish people out of the Pillar, since he generally stays away from Good Ends rather than impose. I'm going to go with he doesn't know so that can be an extra bomb of horrible to drop on his head. At any rate, by this point Spear was pretty upset and demoralized by this knowledge, but he wasn't convinced that it was his fault.
The Lizard of Guilt game did, however, bring up the idea of Spear's culpability in Sasuke being in the Pillar. He did not react well to this! Spear already remembers his first appearance from the manga where he beats the shit out of Sasuke and then subjects him to Tsukuyomi, so he already knew that he'd done something to Sasuke to make him angry and want to kill him, and he knew that he'd swatted Sasuke's efforts to kill him with ease -- and made sure that Sasuke knew it too. So the pieces of "No it's my fault he's in Sabra" were already kind of there, and the Lizard of Guilt pulled them together and trolled him with it. But while having the idea of his culpability being pulled out by the Lizard was upsetting, that was also a Mirror and Horn game so Spear tried to brush it off afterwards as just trolling.
And then the magical memory happened. :')
The bulk of the memory where he was killing everyone would have been terrible in and of itself because it was basically an endless parade of Itachi feeling emotionally numb and systematically killing everyone in the Uchiha compound. Canon glosses over the massacre a bit, in that there were no corpses of children or other noncombatants strewn about the streets, but that definitely happened. So it was a pretty terrible thing to re-live and to know that he had done, but. Spear ended up focusing on the tail end of the memory, which is his conversation with Sasuke where he tells Sasuke to run, run and cling to life, etc.
That was pretty much the final piece needed for Spear to believe that it is his fault, totally and completely, and Sasuke came to Sabra and ended up in the Pillar. When placed against the aforementioned memories of his first appearance and meeting Sasuke near Konohagakure after having been gone for five years, there is a definite sense of continuity -- he told Sasuke to do A, and Sasuke did A, and then Itachi reinforced that Sasuke could do A. In a way Spear's conviction about it all being his fault makes him less prone to fretting over the memory, because he's not worrying over whether it's his fault or to what degree it's his fault, no. He just has a bone-deep conviction that he is the guilty party, and following that is an equally strong conviction to use his wish to undo whatever it was that caused the events he has remembered to come about.
Post-memory-taking, Spear was probably at the most emotionally vulnerable that he's ever been in Sabra, which is why he let slip a lot of information to Royal that he might not have otherwise told him. Brass already knew a bunch of it, so there was less for Spear to let slip there. But even then, Spear didn't tell anyone the whole story. Royal doesn't know that Sasuke is in the Pillar (though I bet he could infer it pretty easily, depending on how much Obito looks like Itachi), and neither he nor Brass know about the first manga appearance memories, which I imagine would have made Spear's belief that everything was his fault forever make a little more sense. He kept (and keeps) information about himself from people both intentionally and not; sometimes it's intentional because he doesn't think that a lot of his life is very relevant to Sabra or Lyvus so he just doesn't say anything. On the other hand he is also generally quiet and private so it doesn't occur to him to share personal information or take advantage of the various offers of listening ears that people have given him. So he ended up focusing on what had upset him the most, and nobody except him has the full picture.
Which is not how he'd really like things to be, because Spear tends to also keep his problems and trauma memories to himself and he likes it that way. Part of it is pride: he presents himself as someone for other people to lean on, and he wants to maintain that image. Part of it is his tendency to self-sacrifice: he's there for others to depend on for support, which he can't do or be if he needs to lean on other people for support. So it is also kind of embarrassing that his last memory had such a huge effect on him, because that's not how it's supposed to be and that's not the face he tries to present to Lyvus. So there is a degree of guilt and shame for needing others to help him thrown into the mix too.
God I haven't even touched on non-Sasuke-related things yet. In any case, immediately post-memory I hiatused and Spear took a breather by avoiding Lyvus so he could sort through things himself. This was not very helpful, to be honest; both Royal and Brass offered a lot of rational explanations for why he shouldn't jump to the conclusion of MY FAULT, but they were pretty much too late to shift Spear's conviction. And Spear reaction to the memory after the immediate flush of emotion is basically more of the same. He knows that there are a lot of rational explanations for him to not jump to conclusions, and after mentally sorting through the memory a bit he has twigged on to the very very end of the memory where he was upset at leaving Sasuke in the dust, even if that just makes Spear want to play himself the world's smallest violin (if you didn't want to leave him so much WHY DID YOU DO IT \o/;;). But it's like trying to move a mountain by hacking at it with an ax: you might make a couple chips in the side, but you're going to wear out the ax first. And that's basically what's happened.
In the long-term, Spear will be sleeping much worse than before and will start taking sleeping berries because if he can't sleep then he can't function as part of Lyvus and that's not good. He might occasionally zone out a bit during repetitive tasks (like sweeping, or peeling potatoes) because he isn't avoiding the memory, he is deliberately trying to remember all the faces and names that he can. This doesn't help the nightmares, and it's a horrible memory that he doesn't want to keep remembering but feels obligated to because he killed all his family and with Sasuke in the Pillar he might be the only one left to remember them. :|b And he owes them that much, that's how he feels. Other than that he is now actively anticipating the memory of killing his best friend, and also waiting for the piece of how and why the massacre happened to fall into place so he can start planning his wish. It's kind of depressing for him to realize that he apparently had loving parents, an adorable brother, a best friend, and a prestigious career and then he threw it all away and ended up an internationally infamous mass murderer. GJ, PAST SELF.
In non-Sasuke-related news, Itachi was doing...okay, in a "life must go on" kind of way. Bond died, but Lyvus did manage to get him revived without too much cost to themselves, which is good. Dart and Magpie were taken, which makes him worry about where they ended up, but being able to show Glory around and help her get accustomed to Lyvus was a good distraction and also reminded him that, even with teammates gone, he has an obligation to help keep Lyvus functioning. He is trying to hold on to that duty and obligation now, because it does help Spear and give him a lifeline and a purpose: by being a good Lyvusite, he can 'atone' in some way for the actions of his past self (ultimately by winning and getting his wish, but hey). It's a distancing tactic, because Spear doesn't want to be anything at all like his pre-Sabra self, and clinging to the idea of team and being a part of team helps with that.
PROBABLY I COULD HAVE SAID MORE but Sasuke has pretty much been dominating Spear's thoughts and actions lately so idk. :|b Questions, comments, etc.?
Day 204:
- Mirror vaguely mentions Sasuke was in Sabra. Maybe.
Day 206:
- Querying Jace about Sasuke possibly being/having been in Sabra, and being told to ask Red.
- 9th memory: Hearing that Sasuke is dead after fighting Deidara.
Day 208:
- Red confirms that Sasuke was in Sabra (Princess of Monoceros) and has been nommed by the Pillar.
- Slick delivers Bond's corpse.
Day 210:
- 10th memory: Telling Kisame that Sasuke isn't dead after all.
- Game 128 [Mirror & Horn]: more Mirror(+Horn) trolling about Sasuke.
Day 211:
- Selendis' official intro
Day 214:
Game 132 [Shadow]: Among other things, Brass finds out about Sasuke being in the Pillar.
Day 215:
- ~*magical*~ 11th memory: Uchiha clan massacre.
So over the course of maybe ten days, Spear went from "lalala my brother isn't here hooray" to "he's here and it's my fault orz orz", which is a pretty big shift! LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED!
As I have mentioned before, before Day 204 Spear knew that he loved Sasuke (for whatever reason), that it was on a difference scale from the affection and friendship he had with Lyvus, and that Sasuke was not relevant to Sabra. So he was kind of like a secret that nobody needed to know about because Spear having a brother didn't really matter to anything. And his memories of Sasuke also included being a terrible person so he wanted to talk about Sasuke even less.
And then, Day 204, the East Block is flooded and Mirror is out and about. Reading the thread again, Mirror didn't actually say all that much, but it was enough to get Spear's guard up because he does not trust Mirror or her intentions, and didn't think she'd have brought Sasuke up without having some kind of ulterior motive. So he set out to confirm once and for all whether or not Sasuke had ever been in Sabra, because if it were true that would have been extremely bad. So he made some sketches and went to talk to Jace, who told him to talk to Red, who confirmed that Sasuke was Princess of Monoceros and in the Pillar.
SO THAT WAS PRETTY TERRIBLE RIGHT THERE, because now Spear can't be "Well at least my brother isn't in this hellhole and I can make things better for him with my wish" about Sabra, Sasuke is here and that makes the Pillar 99x more horrible. I'm not sure whether or not he knows that you can't wish people out of the Pillar, since he generally stays away from Good Ends rather than impose. I'm going to go with he doesn't know so that can be an extra bomb of horrible to drop on his head. At any rate, by this point Spear was pretty upset and demoralized by this knowledge, but he wasn't convinced that it was his fault.
The Lizard of Guilt game did, however, bring up the idea of Spear's culpability in Sasuke being in the Pillar. He did not react well to this! Spear already remembers his first appearance from the manga where he beats the shit out of Sasuke and then subjects him to Tsukuyomi, so he already knew that he'd done something to Sasuke to make him angry and want to kill him, and he knew that he'd swatted Sasuke's efforts to kill him with ease -- and made sure that Sasuke knew it too. So the pieces of "No it's my fault he's in Sabra" were already kind of there, and the Lizard of Guilt pulled them together and trolled him with it. But while having the idea of his culpability being pulled out by the Lizard was upsetting, that was also a Mirror and Horn game so Spear tried to brush it off afterwards as just trolling.
And then the magical memory happened. :')
The bulk of the memory where he was killing everyone would have been terrible in and of itself because it was basically an endless parade of Itachi feeling emotionally numb and systematically killing everyone in the Uchiha compound. Canon glosses over the massacre a bit, in that there were no corpses of children or other noncombatants strewn about the streets, but that definitely happened. So it was a pretty terrible thing to re-live and to know that he had done, but. Spear ended up focusing on the tail end of the memory, which is his conversation with Sasuke where he tells Sasuke to run, run and cling to life, etc.
That was pretty much the final piece needed for Spear to believe that it is his fault, totally and completely, and Sasuke came to Sabra and ended up in the Pillar. When placed against the aforementioned memories of his first appearance and meeting Sasuke near Konohagakure after having been gone for five years, there is a definite sense of continuity -- he told Sasuke to do A, and Sasuke did A, and then Itachi reinforced that Sasuke could do A. In a way Spear's conviction about it all being his fault makes him less prone to fretting over the memory, because he's not worrying over whether it's his fault or to what degree it's his fault, no. He just has a bone-deep conviction that he is the guilty party, and following that is an equally strong conviction to use his wish to undo whatever it was that caused the events he has remembered to come about.
Post-memory-taking, Spear was probably at the most emotionally vulnerable that he's ever been in Sabra, which is why he let slip a lot of information to Royal that he might not have otherwise told him. Brass already knew a bunch of it, so there was less for Spear to let slip there. But even then, Spear didn't tell anyone the whole story. Royal doesn't know that Sasuke is in the Pillar (though I bet he could infer it pretty easily, depending on how much Obito looks like Itachi), and neither he nor Brass know about the first manga appearance memories, which I imagine would have made Spear's belief that everything was his fault forever make a little more sense. He kept (and keeps) information about himself from people both intentionally and not; sometimes it's intentional because he doesn't think that a lot of his life is very relevant to Sabra or Lyvus so he just doesn't say anything. On the other hand he is also generally quiet and private so it doesn't occur to him to share personal information or take advantage of the various offers of listening ears that people have given him. So he ended up focusing on what had upset him the most, and nobody except him has the full picture.
Which is not how he'd really like things to be, because Spear tends to also keep his problems and trauma memories to himself and he likes it that way. Part of it is pride: he presents himself as someone for other people to lean on, and he wants to maintain that image. Part of it is his tendency to self-sacrifice: he's there for others to depend on for support, which he can't do or be if he needs to lean on other people for support. So it is also kind of embarrassing that his last memory had such a huge effect on him, because that's not how it's supposed to be and that's not the face he tries to present to Lyvus. So there is a degree of guilt and shame for needing others to help him thrown into the mix too.
God I haven't even touched on non-Sasuke-related things yet. In any case, immediately post-memory I hiatused and Spear took a breather by avoiding Lyvus so he could sort through things himself. This was not very helpful, to be honest; both Royal and Brass offered a lot of rational explanations for why he shouldn't jump to the conclusion of MY FAULT, but they were pretty much too late to shift Spear's conviction. And Spear reaction to the memory after the immediate flush of emotion is basically more of the same. He knows that there are a lot of rational explanations for him to not jump to conclusions, and after mentally sorting through the memory a bit he has twigged on to the very very end of the memory where he was upset at leaving Sasuke in the dust, even if that just makes Spear want to play himself the world's smallest violin (if you didn't want to leave him so much WHY DID YOU DO IT \o/;;). But it's like trying to move a mountain by hacking at it with an ax: you might make a couple chips in the side, but you're going to wear out the ax first. And that's basically what's happened.
In the long-term, Spear will be sleeping much worse than before and will start taking sleeping berries because if he can't sleep then he can't function as part of Lyvus and that's not good. He might occasionally zone out a bit during repetitive tasks (like sweeping, or peeling potatoes) because he isn't avoiding the memory, he is deliberately trying to remember all the faces and names that he can. This doesn't help the nightmares, and it's a horrible memory that he doesn't want to keep remembering but feels obligated to because he killed all his family and with Sasuke in the Pillar he might be the only one left to remember them. :|b And he owes them that much, that's how he feels. Other than that he is now actively anticipating the memory of killing his best friend, and also waiting for the piece of how and why the massacre happened to fall into place so he can start planning his wish. It's kind of depressing for him to realize that he apparently had loving parents, an adorable brother, a best friend, and a prestigious career and then he threw it all away and ended up an internationally infamous mass murderer. GJ, PAST SELF.
In non-Sasuke-related news, Itachi was doing...okay, in a "life must go on" kind of way. Bond died, but Lyvus did manage to get him revived without too much cost to themselves, which is good. Dart and Magpie were taken, which makes him worry about where they ended up, but being able to show Glory around and help her get accustomed to Lyvus was a good distraction and also reminded him that, even with teammates gone, he has an obligation to help keep Lyvus functioning. He is trying to hold on to that duty and obligation now, because it does help Spear and give him a lifeline and a purpose: by being a good Lyvusite, he can 'atone' in some way for the actions of his past self (ultimately by winning and getting his wish, but hey). It's a distancing tactic, because Spear doesn't want to be anything at all like his pre-Sabra self, and clinging to the idea of team and being a part of team helps with that.
PROBABLY I COULD HAVE SAID MORE but Sasuke has pretty much been dominating Spear's thoughts and actions lately so idk. :|b Questions, comments, etc.?
